Sunday, November 25, 2007

Holiday Heart Pangs felt by the Childless

Holidays have been hard on S and I for a while. Most years we spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with my family where each year a new child is ushered into the world and is passed from one cooing cousin to another. In the early stages of our quest to have a baby, back when we were waiting to see "what would happen," seeing the little ones made our hearts warm. I would look at S as he would play with a tyke and think, "see, he is going to make such a great daddy!" He must have thought similar things because he never failed to gently touch my arm or stroke my cheek when I rocked a newborn, when I was the cousin cooing over the new addition.

Then, as the years multiplied so did our doubts. It was harder and harder to bounce a baby on my knee or tickle a toddler. Holidays seemed more of a reminder of our want than our hope. In fact for the last two or three years I have been angry with God, asking Him in private "Why not us!? Why do they keep getting children? Just give us ONE!"

You need to understand, my cousins have lots of kids - three to six kids per family. It was so hard keeping my jealousy in check. We just wanted one baby to call our own. One that hid her head in my neck pretending to be shy. One who lifted his arms to S when he fell down. Just one.

Thanksgiving seemed different this year, though. I held the newest babe - five weeks and a snuggler - all day. S became the best buddy to an energetic four year old who thought it was really cool to have a giant man to treat as his very own jungle gym. It felt like the early days of our baby quest. My heart felt warm. We have turned a corner in our journey. Hope of adoption. Hope of a baby. Hope...

1 comment:

andrea_jennine said...

Isn't it an interesting arc of longing? Wanting to cuddle little children, to wanting to push them away as a painful reminder of how badly we want a baby, and then back to doting on them. I'm glad you're able to enjoy the children in your family a little more this year, and I pray that your hope is fulfilled soon.