Pink and Blue Wishes

BFN with internet cheepies

2008-01-24T05:44:00.000-05:00

I bought fifty tests online. Every morning I test tinkle. Every morning I squint in the bathroom light. Every morning I pray to see two little lines emerge from the pink streaky strip. No luck. Just one.

I've Finally Grown A Pair

2008-01-15T17:34:00.000-05:00

Well, it's taken 28 years of existence, 8 years of infertility, and 3 miscarriages to get to a place where I can tell the medical establishment exactly what I want and then get it. This morning, my basal temp dropped below my cover line. It dropped a lot. I'm 4 dpo and I should be watching that graph rise, baby rise instead of diving 2000 leagues under the sea.
The doctor's office told me a few days ago that once I tested positive for a pregnancy, they would test me for progesterone levels and prescribe some suppositories if necessary. My temperature dip led me to believe that my level must be low. Thermal shift is caused by an increase in progesterone, right. So, I figured I needed some hormones quick.
I called the doctor's office, told them what I wanted and why, and they listened. They actually listened. This might not seem like a big deal to most of you, but it's huge for me. I'm not used to folks paying attention to what I say about my body. It was a big deal when I told my physician I thought I had had a miscarriage and he tested me for a beta hCg. I'd gone to other docs and they would have me pee on a stick and tell me it was all in my head.
I think I'm tired of being ignored. I'm pretty laid back, but I can't afford to be mellow about this. It's nice to know that I can stand up, say what I need, and get what I want. Things look good folks.

Midnight at the Oasis...Send your camels to bed....

2008-01-12T20:45:00.000-05:00

How do you keep the romance going while critically timing nookie?
S was working a shift that ended at 11:00 pm. He was planning on racing home and accomplishing the mission. I suggested that we visit an old haunt first - an all night diner we used to sneak off to when we were first dating and I was still living at home. We shared an order of French toast and cheese fries. Then we came back home, I slipped on something slinky, played some mood music, and let nature take its course.
Anyone else have a favorite romance ritual?

Plans

2008-01-11T22:02:00.000-05:00

When I called the doctor's office they told me that it looked like two eggs would be released. I asked about when would be a safe time to test for pregnancy - the HCG shot can cause a false positive if testing too early. I also asked about the game plan to KEEP us pregnant if we are blessed with a pregnancy this cycle. Here's the deal. The nurse on the phone recommended that I wait to test until I'm a week late - yikes. Once I get a positive pregnancy test I'll call them and they will schedule two quantitative HCG blood tests a few days apart. They also promised to monitor my progesterone levels and my thyroid.
Well, that's their plan. Here's mine. I'm not waiting to be a week late. I'll test on the 24th. Two weeks after my injection. Because according to BabyHopes.com one half of the hormone is removed from your system every 28 hours.
The reason why I'm testing "early?" The last time we managed to get pregnant (March 2005) I never even made it to my first doctor's visit. If I need progesterone to make this baby stick, I'm not going to let seven days pass and run the risk of losing this one too.

Any way. Tonight's the big night. 30 hours after my monster shot. Let's just hope DH doesn't crack under the pressure.

First Round of Fertility Drugs

2008-01-09T22:10:00.000-05:00

Okay, Chickadees, here's the story. On the 30th of December I started Clomid 100 mg which I took for five days. Yesterday, January 8th, I had an ultrasound to check for follicles - make sure the Clomid worked. I guess it did, because I had two follicles on the right ovary and *at least* three on the left. The nurse in my dr. office said that they were at least 10 mm or something like that. Tomorrow I get some shot and 30-36 hours later ( around midnight on Friday) we will need to bed down. That's the short of it.

Here's the long of it. I was an emotional wreck while on the Clomid. I have only been enjoying my returned sanity for two or three days now. I guess it was Sunday when we realized that I went a whole day without getting my feelings hurt.

As for the ultrasound - I can't seem to get a strait answer about how many follicles are typical. I asked the tech and she said - "well any would be good for you honey!" and then said it looked like I had some so that was good. So girls, how many is good? If I have five follicles is that going to mean I will release five eggs? If I release five eggs does that mean that I will end up with quints? I asked the nurse that question and she just said, "Oh, that's unlikely" But then she fished around asking if I knew this procedure increased my chances of multiples. I told her yes, but I didn't ask her multiples of WHAT - two, three, five?

Okay as for this shot - this is odd. First they tried phoning it in to a pharmacy. Three pharmacies later and they find out that no one carries it in my town. It will need to be UPS delivered from a pharmacy warehouse 400 miles away. I won't be able to give the injection to myself at home, I will need to go to the doctors for that. But, I really don't want to go thirty miles away to my doctor's office. So, I get orders faxed to a walk in health clinic here in town so some nurse can stick a needle in my hind end. Here's the other thing. I don't even know WHAT it is that I'm being injected with. Each person I speak with on the phone calls it something different. Trigger shot, Lupron? The box says HCG which I'm pretty sure is the pregnancy hormone, right? Did they UPS guy deliver the right stuff?

All this stuff feels like a rocket launch, not something that teenagers can manage in the backseat of a station wagon after consuming too much alcohol.

Oh, also I'm doing some vitamin voodoo protocol that involves vitamin e, wheat germ oil, ginkgo, and evening primrose oil - it was smuggled to me via the infertility underground. AND husband and I will be using pre-seed for our critically timed snogging. Keep your fingers crossed.

Fast Track Fertility Plan

2007-12-04T19:10:00.000-05:00

I saw my little Italian gynecologist this afternoon. I made the appointment this summer. We now have a plan. A good plan.
1. Tomorrow I get my thyroid level checked.
2. I call next Wednesday to ensure that the lab sent her the results. If my thyroid is low, we start on a thyroid medicine again.
3. The first day of my next cycle (beginning in January) I call to schedule an ultrasound for day 12 of my cycle.
4. Day 3-7 of my next cycle, I take 100 mg of Clomid (last time I took this stuff it was 50 mg.)
5. Day 12 ultrasound, if I'm making a follicle we stick with the Clomid for two more cycles. If I'm not making a follicle, she gives me an injection and I will ovulate within 36 hours. We time intercourse for that day and the day after. Or we can do intrauterine insemination.
Finally a plan.

Logistics and the Specimen Cup

2007-12-04T18:41:00.000-05:00

S has never really wanted to get checked out. He has been convinced from the beginning that all conception challenges were mine. When asked to have his sperm tested, he would agree and then not make the appointment. Or, when I made the appointment, something would "come up" and he had to cancel. So, when he actually made and KEPT the appointment with his doctor last Friday, I thought our challenges were over. Little did I know that there would be more hurtles to jump.
Here are the details to the latest snafu. S was handed a specimen cup told it needed to be filled after three days of abstinence, kept warm, and delivered to the lab within thirty minutes of filling it. Then he was ushered out the door; filling the cup at the doctor's office on Friday was not a possibility. We don't live within thirty minutes of the hospital's lab so filling the cup within the privacy of our own home was not an option. S needed to find a place where he could do his thing and not be charged with indecent exposure or something like that. We brainstormed a list of folks we knew within a thirty minute radius of the lab, but how do you ask a buddy if you can use his bathroom for a while? Mission impossible, right?
Here is what the man decided to do: 1. Wear his puffy jacket to work, specimen cup and brown paper bag in his backpack. 2. Use the bathroom at work at a relatively quiet time. 3. Collect the necessary, put cup in paper bag, paper bag under his arm while wearing big puffy coat. 4. Deliver it to the lab, five minutes away. 5. Pray to God those few people who were working suspect nothing. Who knew it would be such an ordeal. At least his test didn't require mega doses of antibiotics and being filled up with dye.

5000 Choices and I'm Knitting Booties

2007-11-27T06:14:00.000-05:00

We're looking into everything at this point. Yesterday was filled with a crazy amount of pursuing. I emailed every adoption agency in the state (all nine) requesting information. S went by The Department of Health and Human Services and got information on foster care/foster to adopt. While I was substitute teaching kindergarten, S spoke to a nun who called back about their program. I am disappointed with her information. According to the website, to adopt from our local Catholic home for wayward ladies, or what ever it's called, costs $11,000. Just under the tax reimbursement amount. VERY promising. But according to the Sister, they haven't been accepting couples into the program because the birthmothers are choosing to raise the children when they leave. Which is wonderful for them, but a closed door for us. She can do our homestudy though and help us network to get an adoption for $20,000-30,000. She also mentioned adopting from Korea. Which is something new for us to look into.

About the foster care thing. I'm scared out of my mind about that. But excited too. I'm leaning towards less than three years old. Here are my fears. I'm afraid of loving someone else who will leave us. I'm afraid of battling the state (Maine is not known for a well run foster care system). I worked for a little while with autistic preschoolers, and secretly I'm afraid it will be like LIVING that job. Endless screaming, biting, power struggles. Nap time was a nightmare for one kiddo and I can't imagine a fight like that every night. Another secret fear is false accusations. What if we get a kiddo in our home, love him/her, and then we are accused of harming this child. S is a police officer, I'm a teacher. Personally and professionally we couldn't handle a blow like that.

Then another part of my brain kicks in. The booty knitting kind. The part of me that wants to bake Christmas cookies and give the bowl to be licked out by someone watching Sesame Street instead of by someone watching football. The part of me that knows I have a lot of love to give and I am loved by many children already. The part of me knows that a child would be safe here in this home. We are caring, supportive people. S is amazing with kids without being sappy. Our dog Luke would love a kiddo to romp with in our fenced in back yard. We're close to schools, the library, a big playground. We play at the lake house (we call it camp) in the summertime, we build snowmen in the winter. S and I love our fun. We would make a great home for a hurting child.

So it seems that the deeper we look into bringing a child home the more choices there are. Adoption - domestic or international? Domestic - agency of independent? Open or closed? International - Russia, Korea, Guatemala, Ethiopia....? Foster care - which agency? How old? How long? These are the things I think about as I work on crocheting booties.

Holiday Heart Pangs felt by the Childless

2007-11-25T13:29:00.001-05:00

Holidays have been hard on S and I for a while. Most years we spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with my family where each year a new child is ushered into the world and is passed from one cooing cousin to another. In the early stages of our quest to have a baby, back when we were waiting to see "what would happen," seeing the little ones made our hearts warm. I would look at S as he would play with a tyke and think, "see, he is going to make such a great daddy!" He must have thought similar things because he never failed to gently touch my arm or stroke my cheek when I rocked a newborn, when I was the cousin cooing over the new addition.

Then, as the years multiplied so did our doubts. It was harder and harder to bounce a baby on my knee or tickle a toddler. Holidays seemed more of a reminder of our want than our hope. In fact for the last two or three years I have been angry with God, asking Him in private "Why not us!? Why do they keep getting children? Just give us ONE!"

You need to understand, my cousins have lots of kids - three to six kids per family. It was so hard keeping my jealousy in check. We just wanted one baby to call our own. One that hid her head in my neck pretending to be shy. One who lifted his arms to S when he fell down. Just one.

Thanksgiving seemed different this year, though. I held the newest babe - five weeks and a snuggler - all day. S became the best buddy to an energetic four year old who thought it was really cool to have a giant man to treat as his very own jungle gym. It felt like the early days of our baby quest. My heart felt warm. We have turned a corner in our journey. Hope of adoption. Hope of a baby. Hope...

Update

2007-11-21T16:31:00.001-05:00

Well, two interesting pieces of information came my way today. The MAPS adoption information packet came in the mail and my husband got the dish on a friend's IVF experience. An adoption through MAPS seems like it is going to cost a fortune. Unless we find our own birthmother, so if you know of anyone in a crisis...

Our buddy whose wife just had IVF had an excellent experience and her insurance covered some of the cost. Our insurance rep doesn't think that that is the case for us. But she's checking into it. The clinic is about 150 miles away which tells you how very far away we are from civilization. If only Wal-Mart got in on the infertility game...there's one of those every 25 miles.

I have an appointment with the OB-GYN on December 4th. I made that stinking appointment in the middle of the summer, by the way. I'm getting assertive this time. To the point of irrational. We want a baby/pregnancy within 18 months or we will be stepping up the adoption plans. Enough already. I'm pushing 30. I've been trying for EIGHT years. It's go time.

A Needle in Bombay Anyone?

2007-11-20T15:27:00.000-05:00

You know you've reached the brink of insanity when you actually contemplate traveling to India for an EMBRYO ADOPTION.
That's right kiddos. I actually looked up ticket prices on expedia.com
It would mean ten nights in Bombay, stirrups, and $3500.
Thank goodness I couldn't find the credit card.
Check it out for yourself.
http://www.drmalpani.com/embryoadoption.htm

Happy Thanksgiving, and please pass the curry.

Who We Are

2007-11-19T11:43:00.000-05:00

My husband, S and I met while working together at a little restaurant in coastal Maine. We had a whirlwind romance and were married less then a year after meeting. It was the best impulse decision of my life. We were married in July of 1999 and each day I fall deeper in love with this man.

One of the reasons why I fell so hard and fast for this guy was the way he spoke to the children who came into the restaurant. He would scootch down beside a table, look a kid in the eye, and talk to him like he was the only person in the room. I just knew part of my purpose in life was to have a family with this man.
So we began trying for this family right off the bat. And we got pregnant just as fast. While I knew I wanted kids, I was overwhelmed at how quickly it all happened. So in the middle of my elation mingled with undeniable fear and dread, I started to miscarry. We lost our first baby at nine weeks. I can't tell you how guilty I felt. I am so thankful for the sound council I got from my pastor's wife and from my mother who helped me let go destructive thoughts.

Except for a very brief hiatus from "trying," S and I have spent the last eight years attempting pregnancy. In the meantime, I finished my degree in education, he became a police officer, we bought a house, and adopted a yellow Labrador we named Luke. We also miscarried two more times.
Through the years, we have purchased countless pregnancy tests, taken herbs and vitamins, hormones, given over 50 vials of blood, had many ultrasounds, and one VERY painful die-filled x-ray. Everything keeps coming up "normal." Reassuring and immensely frustrating at the same time.
We are still seeing a medical specialist, but also gathering information on adoption. Through domestic or international adoption or through hormones and IVF, I believe that our home was meant for children. It will happen. Welcome to our journey.